Hi Gigi — I can’t claim to know your exact reality, but you and I have a lot in common and I’d love to share my experience with you, in hopes it helps.
I made the commitment to be celibate when I was 11. It started out with a religious foundation (I was raised Anglican), but as I got older it became more than just a promise between God and I. It became a personal choice.
There are parts of organized Christianity that are outdated practices. At the end of the day, I always had an issue with this belief that I should always remain “pure” until marriage, and that my sexuality was given “permission to exist” as soon as I had a husband to “activate” it.
Here’s a point that became more and more real to me — God created sexuality, and pleasure. He put it in every single one of us. And it is meant to be enjoyed and celebrated ❤
That belief has continued with me through transition from celibacy to no intercourse until marriage territory. I expected to be struck down by lightening the first time I gave a BJ (I was coerced into it..), and I wasn’t. I didn’t feel guilty, or judged. I owned my own sexuality, and my right to express it, by my own terms and means.
That belief continued beyond the night I was sexually assaulted. The 6 years I continued to date, get engaged, get married, and give us my virginity a few days after my wedding (too exhausted the night of… LOL).
At the end of the day, I continued to to return back to the thing that mattered most — my consent. Expressing and enacting my consent as I so choose. And part of that consent? Celebrating my sexuality as much as I want, and when I want.
I planned to stay fully celibate until marriage. I did everything but intercourse (basically) before I got married. I am still a practising Christian, and am tight with the Big Guy. He created my sexuality, and over all else? As he views both me and my male counterparts as his equal children, the thing that matters most of Him above all? My consent. Your consent. Our right to choose. what we do with our bodies. ❤